Five years already. Five years of traveling around the world in search of something. In search of what, by the way? I can not exactly describe it. In search of myself, answers, another life, discovery, adventure, simplicity. In search of a truth. When I left in November 2015 for a trip that I only thought was going to be a year in Japan, I was fleeing the future and personal problems. Five years and seven countries later, I still worry about the future and still try to fight against habits and behaviors that obscured my eyesight. But I do not see them the same way anymore. Travel, by its impredicability, its difficulty, its logical sequence taught me to take things as they come and to privilege simplicity. Or at least I hope so. Very often my little demons still surround me with their asphyxiating embrace but I try more and more to push them away gently.
After Japan, New Zealand, Australia and France, in 2019, I turned thirty. The thirties. The fateful year. The passage to the adult world. I do not really know what it means to be an adult but I felt unintentionally that it was time to face consequences. But I needed a clarified mind. Move away from this permanent background noise that varied in intensity according to my experiences but whose permanent presence drained my energy. So I left for a confrontation. For a physical trip. For a return to the sources. I walked five weeks across Scotland and crossed Iceland on foot and on bicycle. The vast majority of the trip, I made it with my head in the clouds, obscured by doubts and anxieties. It was a lot harder than I thought. My body has suffered, my mind has been racing and I have cursed myself daily for having thrown myself into this ordeal. But below all this background noise, there was a certainty. The certainty of having made the right choice. The certainty of approaching the truth. Some moments, some fleeting moments seemed to me like lights in the night. By contemplating this infinity of incredible landscapes, pushing my body to its limit, accepting the slap of rain and wind, welcoming loneliness, I felt liberated, pacified. And the way forward seemed clear, simple, obvious.
It is difficult to change. Change behavior, habit, way of seeing life. Despite these moments of evidence and truth that seemed to tell me that I was on the path of change, I can not help falling back in old habits very quickly. One step forward, two steps back. But the clarity, the assurance I felt during those fleeting moments was so powerful that I am looking to acquire it permanently. The road is long and full of dangers, as the other would say, but it is the only one to follow.
These last months have appeared to me as a conclusion. An accomplishment. The end of five years of semi-nomadism. A conclusion to an unforeseen world tour. I am not ready to give up traveling, far from it. But listening to my inner truth during these moments of calm, I realized that I wanted to stop. To stop running and face the future. Diving into the future. This is maybe that, becoming an adult. Knowing when to stop and accept it. Today I want to put my bags somewhere. For a time. And accept to embark on a project for a concrete life. Accept the lessons of my trip, accept the obvious connections and follow the signs. To share my passions, skills, qualities in order to create the future I want. And start a new chapter.
Icelandic horses, rustic and adapted to the harsh climate of the island.
