I thought I was getting better. I thought I was getting out of it. To succeed in leaving behind this feeling of unease, this permanent impression of failure. But life follows its own current. And the last resistances that held back the sword of Damocles hanging over my head for several years broke.
I had the impression of falling into a black hole. Life was dark, my creativity extinguished, my motivation ran out, my body sick. Abandoned to depression. I spent three months, from mid-December to mid-March, not wanting to do anything.
Coming to work at the Alpina Hotel in Chamonix was a good decision. While being a bad decision also. Last October when I started, I quickly realized that the place would not be the experience I wanted. Disastrous organization, too small and inexperienced team, toxic working atmosphere, corporate values at odds with mine, work pace no longer suitable for me, etc. But I stayed. I stayed to fight the little voice in my head that was telling me that I made the wrong choice by leaving Australia. I stayed to fight, to complete my seven months of work, to enjoy Chamonix Mont-Blanc, to try to grow and change. Was it naive?
The Christmas holiday season was not easy. The holidays of February were not easy. And that led me to the black hole. And that was the end of something. The end of an illusion. But any end leads to a new beginning.
I started writing. Writing about my depression. To try to understand it. I am not an expert, far from it. But I think I understood some things. Especially about me and my desires. And on the path I want to follow. Apparently you have to suffer to get better. I’ve been suffering for ten years, it’s time for me to change. I want to get out of it. Come on girl! Get rid of all those dead weights that hold you back! Why is it so difficult to change? To change oneself? Why does the ego hold so ardently to all these toxic habits? Why am I as I am?
So this is it. In suffering is born something. Around mid-March, thinking about my future, my depression and my Peregrinus Mundi project, about what I wanted to do with all this, I saw a little glimmer. Suddenly I came across an idea. An idea there so beautiful, so simple that seemed to be waiting for me. An idea that, perhaps, had always been there. But that I had never seen before. And creativity came back.
At the end of March I completely redesigned my website Peregrinus Mundi to do something other than a simple blog. Peregrinus Mundi is now a support. A support for change, the future and all the possibilities that are offered to me. I just have to open my eyes.
Despite the difficulty of this depressive period, I think it was the best thing that could have happened to me. To come to work at the Alpina might not have been for me to persevere in the restoration and tourism. The goal was perhaps to make me understand my needs and finally put myself on the path that I have been pursuing unconsciously for five-six years. The one I almost talk about in all my articles now. Focusing on well-being, creativity and nature. Or the goal does not matter. And only the path is of interest.
The depression has not disappeared. Far from there. Nor am I engulfed in black thoughts and malaise. I continue to think. And I start creating again. It is a project in progress. A long term project. The answers are there. I only have to find them.