I’ve been a bit quiet this month of November, first of all because I’m re-doing my website : peregrinusmundi.com with an all new beautiful design! But it’s taking lot of time.
Also because despite all my efforts, I’m still feeling a bit down. I’m feeling slightly depressed, tired, sad and not very motivated. It could be related to the weather. Winter is almost here and the days are more and more cloudy and grey.
But I think it’s related to people. My interactions with others. I’m focusing more and more on meditation, yoga, Ayurveda, learning to see the reality as it is and not as I want, accepting emotions and loneliness. But I have this feeling of emptiness inside that is killing me everyday a bit more. Or not really emptiness. More like gigantic disappointment. Towards people.
Others. Always. Disappoint. Me.
Even people that I thought were “my friends” (or not really my friends more like good co-workers) or people that I thought had a slightly similar vision of the world as me, are disappointing me.
I’m trying to accept all of that. I’m trying to give up on my always too high expectations. But the feeling of disappoint and loneliness which had decreased a bit in previous months is coming back. Very strongly.
One exemple : I don’t like partying. I really don’t like it. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t do drugs. Talking bullshit with drunks people for hours is boring me to death. It’s not for me. When I give up to the push of others and I attend a party, I always feel off, like a stranger, I do not have fun and I’m disappointed with the behavior of others. So I decided to not do parties anymore. There is no point. It’s a gigantic waste of time.
So why, when I see my co-workers organising or going to a party without even asking me, I feel so lonely. And I despise this feeling that goes through me every time I see them, this envy of wanting to go with them. I know that there is absolutely no interest for me to go with them but I still want to go. WHY ?
Because I’m lacking human contact ? Probably. But I’m lacking good human contact. People with who I can have a real conversation. People that push me to my best self. People that are like an ardent sun. But apparently this type of people is very rare. Because I never meet them.
So I have this big ” injury” in my heart of which I do not yet know the origin that I’m trying to heal but doesn’t heal.
And what is irritating me even more, is that I know that if I remove this layer of heavy feelings, I am happy. I am really happy. The place, Chamonix, the mountains are absolutely amazing. The best moments of the week are usually when I go hiking. Despite the physical pain, the weather conditions, I feel so happy. I spend hours watching the perfection of the mountains, the beauty of the nature.
Three days ago I went hiking on the Les Houches ski area. I followed the ridge and climbed to a small summit. It was one of the most beautiful hike I did around. No one, the snow, silence, perfect weather, the mountains all around. I ate on the ridge, losing myself on every details of the Mont-Blanc summit right in front of me, the caress of the sun on my skin. This moment, this perfect moment was a moment of fullness. I could have stay there forever.
I have felt quite often this feeling during my travel. But it’s particularly strong here, in Chamonix. So I know that I am in the right place. And the life is to be honest, great. The work, far from being perfect, much better than lots of jobs I did previously. So let’s face the truth, I’m happy here. But why do I feel like I’m taking pleasure in depression and complaining all the time?
So yeah, that’s my state of mind at the moment. I really want to improve it but I don’t really know how. So I write.