Deep into my mind
or questioning who I am, what I want, what I want to create, what I want to discover.
These past days, my head is boiling. It’s been years that I have an infinity of questions and desires that go through my head every day. But since a few months, I have the impression of overdosing. It’s too much. Too many ideas, too many expectations, too many worries, too many changes that I want to accomplish. I’m a little exhausted.
It’s strange. Looking back, I struggle to find a time when I was really happy during my trip. Yes, I have had extraordinary experiences, discovered truths in my heart, I have seen beautiful landscapes. But I never (or very rarely) felt in peace, the mind in perfect synchronization with the present moment, a feeling of calm running through my body. Before leaving France two years ago, I naively thought that going on a journey would change me in a few months, make me a talented person, extraordinary and perfectly happy. Ah well in the end, thirty months later, the problems are still there (anxiety, doubts, slight depression, etc.). There is nothing to be done, it doesn’t matter that you are on the other side of the world, (unless you have a life experience so strong that it can change you in a few months, which didn’t happened for me until now), we drag our unresolved problems wherever we go.
I struggle a little to accept that. Although I make lists and lists on how to reach my goals and change my habits (being creative, happy, social, in good shape, etc.), I take three steps forward but ten steps back. And my head is lost in the future. On the post-Australia. I decided to spend two years in Australia to save as much as possible to spend a year cycling across Asia. So I work a lot. My working holiday is 80% working and 20% holiday. It does not bother me more than that. But I have a little trouble according to my standards to save as I would like. And that worries me a little. You’ll tell me, like most people I’ve talked to, that I worry too much, that I should appreciate the moment and that compared to the vast majority of other backpackers I’m doing well. Yes. Perhaps.
I do not know why I am as I am. A little asocial on the edges, quick to worry, perfectionist sometimes to exhaustion, constantly chasing after time, dragging a slight depression, sometimes lost in procrastination and with a feeling of not being in phase. A psychologist would tell me about my adolescence, my relationship with my parents, my relationship to my body and my image, my expectations … But I do not have a psychologist and I’m not sure that I want one (already made the experience and it did not really work) so I write on my blog.
In recent months, I also had a little trouble deciding what I want to publish on my blog. Since I spend the majority of my time working (currently picking carrots), there is no point in making a travel diary. And then I would like to turn my site into something other than a travelogue. The story is interesting when there is something to tell but right now apart from my existential questioning there is no matter to tell.or not much. I would like a more ecological, anthropological content, about the planet, the traditions. Articles like the ones in The National Geographic. Well. Apparently for now I do not have the time, the ability and the material to do that. So I do not know what to do.
The positive point in all this is that by constantly exhausting myself and getting fed up, I will have to take a turning point in my life at one time or another. Decide to think differently and focus on my goals. To throw in the bottom of the abyss all that holds me back and finally advance freely. And even if I have a little trouble writing at the moment, at least I focus a lot on the practice of photography.
I have six weeks left in Tasmania. Six weeks harvesting vegetables in the fields during the week and visiting the island during the weekends. And trying to find some answers.
To be continued…